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I Wrote to the “Other Woman” and Posted It on Facebook – Part One

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Categories: Divorce

I Shared A Letter I Sent to The Other Woman on Facebook

I check my Facebook page with more regularity than I ever have in the past.  My friends are empty nesters now and spend their time visiting their children who are away at college or they are traveling the world making quick coffee meets and lunchtime get-togethers almost impossible.  Not too long ago, a Facebook post came into my mailbox that had me raise an eyebrow.  It wasn’t an announcement about a recent college accolade, a career accomplishment or an exotic vacation; all of which I have been accustomed to reading.  In this post, the friend (ok, she is an acquaintance) posted the nasty letter she recently wrote to her soon to be ex-husband’s girlfriend.

At first, I did not want to read the long-winded ranting bag of insults.  However, let’s be honest, how could I not.  Think about the last time you passed an accident on the highway where you didn’t turn to look.  Need I say more?  As I read the rambling letter, I was really shocked by the content.  Not only did the poster insult the other woman, but she also shredded the woman’s integrity, character and called her just about every imaginable nasty name that she could muster up her hands to type.  If that was not bad enough, the poster received a plethora of “You Go Girl” comments.  Basically, the “other woman” was being cyberbullied by a band of forty and fifty-something-year-old women!

There were two things that really irked me and that was that a letter was written to the other woman, in the first place, and that it splashed on Facebook.

The Issue of Writing a Letter to The Other Woman

In this, part 1, of the blog, I want to address the issue of writing a letter to the other woman.  Before I do, I want to get something straight.  I don’t condone the actions of any person who dates a married person, man or woman.  I also know that it takes two hands to clap.  The poster’s husband had a huge hand in the infidelity.  The other woman could not have taken the writer’s husband, away from his wife,  had he not wanted to be taken.  There are plenty of people who are flirted with and don’t succumb to those advances.

The letter writer’s husband made a choice to create and carry on a sexual affair with a woman who was not his wife.  And, yes, the other woman could have walked away from the relationship the nanosecond that she learned that her new love muffin was married.  She didn’t.  I am not writing about the actions of cheating and the people who do it.  That is for another blog post.

What this commentary is about, is what propelled the writer to send a letter off to the other woman in the first place.  There is no doubt that she was terribly hurt by her husband’s indiscretion.  Who wouldn’t be offended if their husband took the liking of a younger, possibly prettier model of themselves?  That hurts way deeper than vanity.  It cuts to the core of our womanhood and attacks at the feminist fabric, that we hold so dearly, which is that is we are much more than a youthful pretty face and firm body.  While we intellectualize this as our mantra and make it the credo to which we raise our daughters, the ancient Neanderthal drive that pulls men to spread their seed amongst the fertile fittest is a strong force to reckon with.

What Did She Hope to Achieve by Sending the Letter?

The letter writer’s broken heart is completely within the realm of normal feelings.  Maybe her husband strutted his paramour around their community leaving the poster to feel like discarded trash.  The writer probably felt betrayed, used, embarrassed and humiliated.  Again, who wouldn’t?

However, why did she feel the need to write to the other woman AND then to share her correspondence on social media?  My guess is that her rant was probably her way to get to let the interloper know how she felt about her.  The letter included a few tidbits about her husband that included how he was a liar, a cheater, and a terrible father.  The writer’s feelings are understood but I wonder what was she really trying to achieve?  Did she think that the other woman would read the letter, realize that she was interfering with a family and leave the relationship?

As far as the other woman is concerned, she has snagged a man, married or not, who loves her and that is worth its weight in gold for her.  The other woman and the writer’s husband are in the newness of their relationship with no responsibilities to tarnish it or to diminish the endorphins running through their veins.  Her husband may have been telling his new dewy-eyed admirer that his wife is a monster, doesn’t understand him, along with an arsenal full of other unsavory attributes.  All the letter did was confirm any possible accusations.  Even if he embellished or fabricated the complaints he has raged against his wife, her letter gave them life.  The letter doesn’t achieve anything except for exposing the wife’s very bruised ego which is apparent as she lashed out at the people who hurt her.

There is nothing wrong with venting one’s feelings in writing.  There are much better ways to do so than by writing to the other woman.  One can write a letter with no address or send it to their own email.  This way the feelings are expressed but not to the wrong people.  The writer could also express her pain and disappointments in a journal.  Writing the letter to the other woman does not change the situation.  Why put something in writing that could surface again or, worse yet, land into the hands of someone she does not want to see it?  Once the letter is out there, it cannot be unseen.  It becomes an indelible piece of someone’s history; one they may not be proud of sometime in the future.

In part 2, I will discuss the letter being posted on Facebook.

Think Before You Send Correspondence to Your Ex’s Significant Other

Regardless of why you send something to someone, it can and most likely will be used as evidence by your ex-spouse’s legal counsel.  For more on Evidence and Social Media during divorce, check out my Guidebook: Courts, Evidence & Social Media.

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