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Depressed Since My Sudden Divorce

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He Swore There Was No One Else but Has Been Dating Someone For 6 Years!

Dear Susan,

I am so depressed since my divorce.  I got married at 21 years old.  I am now 58.  My husband told me last January that he fell out of love with five years ago and has just been going through the motions of a happy marriage.

He swore to me that there was no one else.  I found out that he has been seeing a 39-year-old for six years.  She is now pregnant with his child and he wants to marry her right after the divorce is final.  He is 65! I think this is all so crazy.

Our grown children, ages 20, 23 and 30 are mortified by his behavior.  He is a good dad, so they haven’t written him off.  I don’t know what to make of all of this.  I can’t seem to get him out of my head. I thought marriage was forever and now this?

Tara

Dear Tara,

I am so sorry to learn what has happened to you.  What a shock this must be after being with someone your entire adult life.  Of course, you thought this was a commitment for life, especially after 37 years of marriage.  I would like to be able to say all of the right words to make this better for you but, I can’t.  The only thing I can do is help you with the realization.  The realization of what has happened.  Fair, maybe not.  But it has happened nonetheless.  As our parents used to tell us – Life is not fair.  It just isn’t.  Bad things happen to good people and you are a good person.

There are a few things I can tell you.  The largest swell of divorces, over the past ten years, has been for people over 50!  People used to stay in marriages forever no matter how unhappy they may have been.  Now, people see 50 as the new 30 or 40 and they don’t want to stay in something that no longer works for them.  The Baby Boomers set new rules when they were young and now, they set newer ones in middle age.  They have always been trailblazers so it’s not surprising that they have embarked on changing statistics once again.

Having the Support of a Therapist Can Help

The only thing I can say despite the fact that your husband has dated, impregnated a much younger woman and wants to marry her immediately after he dissolved a 37-year marriage that produced and raised three children to adulthood is that he has.  It is a decision that he has made and one you have to live with.  I am a big fan of realization and I write that in my book.  We cannot heal unless we realize what has happened to us.  That does not mean that you will come to that in a day.  It takes time to grieve.  You need to go through the stages of grief before you can move forward.  You said that you were depressed.  Of course, you are.  Who wouldn’t be?  To help you process your grief, your loss and possible anger, you may want to see a therapist.  A good therapist will help you through your healing journey.

This is a journey that you did not plan but it is one that you can take and come out better on the other side.  Please know that we are always here for you.

Your friend,

Susan Shofer Divorce Consultant

You Can Climb Out of Your Divorce

There is hope and many ways for you to climb out of your divorce grief. Have a good support system and arm yourself with information. For a consultation, please contact us.

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Susan Shofer

As a divorce and custody ally, she helps women and men navigate the troubled waters of a family breakup by sharing her own organized and pragmatic approach to the divorce process.

Susan successfully crossed her own highly contentious divorce and post-divorce battle and was triumphant in her fight against Parental Alienation.
Susan Shofer
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